November 21, 2008
Real American Hero Sam “Joe the Plumber” Wurzlebacher has signed a book deal with some backwater publishing house (shack?) that’s only published one other book. Can’t he just stick to plumbing without a license? Fortunately Joe isn’t writing the damn thing; that task is left to an author by the name of Thomas N. Tabback. Tabback, if you haven’t guessed, is also the author of Pearl Gate Publishing’s only other item, a religious fiction novel entitled Things Forgotten. From what I can tell, Pearl Gate is Tabback’s very own vanity press. Wow, Joe, you really hitched your inspiring All American story to a solid publisher, good job. Joe, baby, If you need a literary agent, know that I have full access to my parents’ basement.
More interestingly, there is an evil element of our society that is actually trying to get Joe to run for a Congressional seat in Ohio. Terrifyingly, Joe says he’d “be up for it.” No good can come from this. For one thing, it means that in 2010 we’ll be seeing his shining bald head all over the network news like a beacon glowing with truth, freedom, and oily flesh. His inconceivable, undeserved fifteen minutes of fame will be stretched out for several more minutes. He could even win, bringing the average I.Q. of the House down… well, it’s already pretty damn low.
The worse thing is, he might have a campaign song. Now, there’s been talk of Joe recording a country western album, and he might very well go with one of his own tunes. But what if he takes a song, a good one, and dirties it with his stupid, stupid mind? What if takes a song that has, say, a reference to pipes (you know, for the plumbing), the name Joe, and oh, I dunno, some animal known for bravery, power, and nobility.
OH MY GOD JOE. YOU LEAVE DAVID BOWIE OUT OF THIS, YOU BASTARD.
…But seriously, Bowie’s Berlin Trilogy was effin’ awesome.